Weird part of me again

Back at losing weight again. I mean I am back at it all the time the last months, worked out, watched what I ate and stuff (not the slightest idea if I actually lost weight, it feels like it but on some days I feel like there should be an entry on Google Earth for me), but atm I’m getting impatient and wanna try a little harder.

Didn’t bother about looks too much until I sat near that guy from one of my courses last week. Gnaaaa. It went like always. First I didn’t care, during lesson I didn’t care as well but after it my mind went crazy about him. Well, it’s just a silly crush. I am too old for this guy (like 5 years older), I am too fat for this guy (like Godzilla having a crush on a puppy) and besides I am too evil, sarcastic and weird. I just know this. There’s this strange generation of cute people who use ^^ a lot as an answer for everything, never harm anyone, don’t seem able to seriously think about anything and are so tolerant and kind all the time. I’m not like this. I am an asshole. I say mean things and sometimes I hate people, I get aggressive and behave angry and impulsive and I don’t care for others often. Sometimes not even for my friends. I don’t know why, maybe because I feel they don’t care much for me either. Maybe it’s just because in the end you are alone. Often I feel like an observer who’s dragged into things and surprised and overwhelmed.

Sometimes I think about investing time in someone of my friends or family but then I decide to spare me the effort. They wouldn’t care anyway and it’s wasted time I can use for myself. That’s best for all.

In a slightly bad mood cause I discovered I am a non-caring asshole and I  drank too much coffee the last weeks and have to stop and cause I have not enough money.

Thought about letting this blog die but well, maybe sometimes I will have something to write about and it reflects an important time of my life, so - whatever.

My obsession with Sniper still goes on. I don’t know why. I don’t think he’s hot. He’s cute but in a way a little bunny is cute (when he smiles f.e.). Don’t wonder how I can excessively write about a fictional character, I’ve always seen them as quite real and always been this way. Our world exists in our head only so it doesn’t matter where what influences you comes from.

The only issue I see here is that fictional characters generally are rather flat. I guess Sniper is more flat than the main character of a comprehensive book or even book series but whatever - You take the idea and fill the rest with your own imagination. Maybe I like not too elaborated characters even better than those who don’t leave space to make up own ideas about them.

So Sniper in a way touched something in me - can we get anymore dramatical? But I don’t know why or what. Maybe it’s because he does his job without fapping to it (too much) like Spy or Solly do. He has that professional attitude of doing his job. I know - he throws piss and insults people. But maybe in general Sniper is how I imagine a hard labouring man who is kind of a lonesome rider at the same time and so cool :D Like Hugh Jackman in “Australia” or the horse whisperer from same named movie. Shaving themselves with knifes, drinking the strongest coffee on earth (well at this point Sniper is a bit of a pussy but he’s doing it for his job so I guess I can’t blame him and have to admire him instead), taking care of their lonely business in loneliness and don’t ever fret about life.

Well now this kinda fucks me off cause I always used to have a weakness for kinda anorectic people, lifestyle and behaviour. I’m not like that. I’m too loud and too much often, I always fight with my weight and often wish I was one of these people who can eat as much as they want cause then I’d never stop eating everything you can imagine. I’m messy, I’m annoying, I talk too much and say everything what I think.

The only thing fits me is the lonesome part and a disparaging way of thinking about other people. So I’ve always wanted to be one of those self-sufficient guys who just do their jobs in silence and don’t need more than a cup of coffee and the assurance they’ve done well for today. But, surprise surprise, I never was.

I get lost on sidetracks, I get bored in my job easily. If I was Sniper, I wouldn’t sit in that little shelter all day scoped in, I would get bored after 15 minutes and start playing around, then get burnt and shot, then RAEG and then get desperate and then come to the conclusion that I just suck. I would toil myself through the day and hate it.

So I wanted to accept that I am no anorectic cool guy who just needs his job and everything is fine. But somehow life has become that way for me a bit. I was worse several months ago…oh what a horrible time. I did nothing and was bored all day. I was always looking for distractions and ways to physically and mentally stuff myself. Sounds disgusting :D Yeah well. Until that day I cleaned my apartment, started drawing again and stopped worrying about everything.

I’m still late often and I still have to remember myself to do stuff and I still lie in bed when I wake up and stare at the ceiling for minutes without looking forward the day. But somehow I appreciate life a bit more.

I just wish I could lose weight faster so I’m not normal but thin again and that life wasn’t too confusing like it usually appears to be.

Back for over a week now and fighting depression again. But I think it’s not … very difficult, not really dangerous like usually, I’m not lying in bed all day, I am doing stuff. Not much. Today some cleaning and some drawing and some playing (TF2 of course) and met a friend who suffers from depression and well, I don’t feel like that and so I think (although I still feel kinda…desillusionated) I am not depressed atm.

Not in too good mood though cause I start gaining weight again -_- Haven’t worked out a single time since I’m back here and ate all that chocolate my grandma sent me :/

Well, it was nice as long as it lasted but tomorrow it WILL BE over. Bought measuring tape cause I don’t wanna be a slave to the scale ever again and was grinning all the time (had to go to a special shop for sewing stuff and bought some sewing cotton to sew on my TF2 badges) cause I thought: Thank God nobody here knows I wanna measure my ass with that. LOL.

I need something to measure my progress. Feeling doesn’t do. My freakin’ pants still don’t fit and I’ll take some pictures tomorrow too but I won’t post them here either the size of my butt or something.

So…for today I bought some sweets again and tomorrow..argh I have to do a phone call that really fucks me…call a gas provider and I am scared cause I fucked up something and ARGH!!!!!!

Lying in bed bored.Don’t wanna get out cause bored. Always liked living not in town. Now it bores me. Should go for a walk today. Need to see people. Starting to get annoyed to have no private space. Going back tomorrow. Need to workout. Feel fat and sick. Stomach still feels weird. Wanna draw sick tf2 fanart shit. Can’t relax here enough to do. TV is on ALL the time, I know why I have none. Wanna watch porn. Hear loud music. Get my new badges. Meet friends.

when u suddenly can’t understand any longer how you could ever be fascinated by something or someone. Suddenly everything loses its shine and isn’t attractive anymore. Hope that doesn’t mean falling back into depression. Don’t wanna go to Australia. It’s too bright there. I don’t like sun and heat. I don’t wanna get skin cancer. I’m not the darn Sniper. I don’t care for Sniper. He’s a grumpy bastard and I don’t want a sniper hat, it’s too expensive, and I don’t fucking want anything atm. Gnargh!!!!! Nothing’s special about Australia. Never was interested in it. Started when I saw the movie (better said the beginning, didn’t interest me enough to watch it till the end) a week ago. Suddenly everything about Australia flashed me. I only had to think of it and became…strangely excited. Now this is gone. Fine. FOINE. So be it. Fuck it.

Another thing kinda fucks me is that I always thought I’d do everything for my brother but to be honest he drives me kinda angry and I want to punch him in the face. He’s still drugged. Smoking weed or something. He looks and acts like someone after Lobotomy. He just misses some screws in the neck and he could be Frankenstein’s monster.

When he walks in (he is kinda big) and I know he isn’t himself I start shaking immediately, my heart starts beating, I start sweating and feel like I’m going to freak out every second. Not because I am afraid but because my body seems to prepare for fighting and because of anger. I hate how he hurts his family with this. My mother is hurt and afraid when he plants himself in front of her and starts provoking her with a stupid grin, my dad is confused, everybody’s pissed off and that pisses me off. I am not afraid of him, never was, but I always feel like a lion that has to defend the weaker ones when he’s around acting like that. And always prepared for a verbal attack. He says so stupid things sometimes. Someone who has no arguments trying to argument. You can almost see him thinking. It’s like a big bear and a hissing snake fight. Medic and Heavy. Muah. Well, my brother surely isn’t stupid, only slow sometimes and pissed off by me for a reason I don’t know. Maybe I’m too dominant. Maybe he senses that nothing he does impresses me. Maybe he hates that I have an answer and explanation for everything.

Sometimes my brother only seems to want attention and I want a challenge and we both piss each other off and then there’s the old conflicts cause I always was the boss and better at school and better at a lot of things and he was a troublemaker and I am studying now and he does nothing and … I understand him perfectly well and often defend him. I don’t have a clue where my life is going to be too and I don’t wanna work, too, although I don’t avoid it as hell like him. Sometimes it’s kinda ..healing.

He’s so full of stupid dreams and visions. I say stupid cause they base on avoiding real life. There’s nothing wrong with dreams and visions but I think they should be guidelines or something and you shouldn’t avoid everything real for Wonderland in your head. Reality is a good teacher sometimes. And I think a dream or vision that is so big it rules your life should be measured against reality to see if it can persist or not and how it changes. So if it suddenly sucks you were just fooling yourself. That’s what I think. I hate when people can’t look things in the eye. Maybe cause that is how I usually fool myself ;)

I don’t believe in this but horoscope says it will be a good year for tigers so I am optimistic :D

Yesterday wore ma scarf first time. Like it. Then my mom and me bought oil paint. Something was wrong with it, it was very fluid and I think it is old or something.

We painted 1 or 2 hours. I painted Sniper, kinda shitty version, we only had grey cardboard to paint on and I wasn’t in the mood doing something great. But for my first try it’s ok. Maybe I’ll post later.

New Year’s Eve was kinda unspectacular. Starting to feel better slowly. Not always sick anymore. Strange night full of sweating and sickness, then it was gone and now I feel ok. Strange strange.

I went ice skating with my dad and it was great. Now I can brake again :D Then went to bed at 3pm and slept until now. Thanks God it was 6am when I woke up, first I thought it was 10pm.

Still feel shitty. Something is wrong. I feel like waking up after a night of drinking. My stomach feels strange and I’m kinda sick. After every meal I feel like that, too. Maybe I got a worm from my cat. Didn’t eat something new or wrong…

Uargh and today’s New Years Eve. Finally got the mail from college that tells me to give them their freakin’ money and me the honor to continue studying. Yeehaa! So nothing’s wrong but I am a little bit afraid of the future. Concerned. My drawing progress is so slow. I don’t even need to draw for college this semester. Finished all drawing courses with very bad grades cause my drawing teacher hates me. I know - this is what all students say for excuse when they just suck. But I don’t suck that much to get that bad grades and she talked to me several times telling me that she knew I wasn’t bad and if I just did/was (insert something absolutely unnecessary here she likes).

Everything not following her or her way is WRONG. She pissed off so many people. I don’t think art teachers should be like that. Destroying and fucked up on so many levels. Now the last rumors were she will be fired. AHAHAHA. Whatever. She was almost cruel. She was so fucked up and cruel that she was almost funny in all of her Cruella de Vil anorexia on all levels glory :D

She always wears black suits and she’s very self-confident, thin and looks very stern. Her hair is tied back so firmly that you wonder how she manages NOT to smile all the time.

Well, she wasn’t a complete cliche, she never wore boots or a riding crop. But she did ballet. Lol.

She would tell us that we had to to decide between food and color if we hadn’t enough money (she tells students who are very desperate sometimes cause they have to live from 2 bucks for 5 days. She always had the money, she was just anorexic) and for her the decision always had been clear (ehrm. yes, walking stick figure, we can see that. maybe you should have chosen the pie instead, wouldn’t have hurt ya) and blablabla. She loves all these old fashioned black and white movies, nothing wrong with that, but she doesn’t like everything that isn’t an old fashioned black and white movie. So her advices she gave us always were kinda narrow-minded and she would never come down from her throne to actually listen to her students or try to help them on their level.

Whatever. Will never have to mess up with her again. She was not completely bad, only fucked up, I think.

Enough about that. So somehow I am confident that I will find or better said be able to follow my way but on the other hand I am slightly worried that I will act unpredictable suddenly and do something very stupid or stop doing anything. I think I am at a point where I know myself enough to say I won’t. Always had times where I did nothing and then times where I overcompensated. For two months I would lie in bed depressed and for another month I would do EVERYTHING. In a perfect kind of way. 

I don’t think I am overcompensating at the moment. Maybe I managed to get these two extremes mixed up in a healthy way. Don’t know. As I said I stopped stressing myself. And I stopped expecting. But I have expectations and sometimes I am so impatient with my progress. On the other hand I know I’ve never managed to be so calmed down and consistent with what I’m doing before.

Yeah. So there is one New Year’s resolution I don’t have to make this year: Quit smoking. Ahahaha! And start losing weight. I think I have lost some weight while I am here. A few days ago I closed my belt and realized I was able to close it in the right hole again. When I’m back in my own life I will continue working out and everything will be fine.
Everything above your neck’s gonna be a fooooine red mist!
My cat hates it when I recite sniper phrases. Maybe it’s because I do it so shitty. Maybe it’s cause it isn’t used to me speakin’ English. Maybe it’s because it doesn’t understand why I suddenly call it big-head and pickle-headed drongo. I love Aussie slang.

With a cute voice: come on, kitty, get out of my way, oh you’re so sweet (kiss it on the head and catch worms), now move, i wanna open the fridge, ksshhh, get off…

cat stands directly in front of the door, ignoring my gentle pushes and stares at me like that:

then me bursting out with impatience: PPPISS OFF YOU PICKLE-HEADED DRONGO OR THIS IS GONNA BE A REAL PPPIECE OF PISS!!!

cat is shocked and runs away. Me happy. Cat not. The end!

Finished my damn scarf. Well, not completely, but knitting is done. Done FOREVER! I’ll never do it again. I’d like to have this:

Colors would fit badges and scarf well but NO I won’t knit such a thing. Never ever. Enough time wasted. Still have to sew all the threads. And I already realized that I don’t like the scarf much. It’s too big. First it couldn’t be big enough, then it lasted years to finish it and now this. But I think I will wear it anyway. When I ever get lost in the woods I can use it as tent and when on a climbing trip it will be useful as parachute -_-

Maybe I can even catch wales with it (no I don’t know why this should ever come in handy)

My nice trip is completely gone I think. Felt strange the whole day and my stomach still hurts here and there (is it the liver? The kidneys? I don’t wanna know). Too funny. My mom came into my room when I woke up at 7 pm and asked me if I wanted dinner (she was so cute) and that my bro had been lying in bed all day too with a temperature and sick. “SURE!” I thought and went into his room. He was lying on his back, pale as death, eyes closed, grinning. I slapped into his face slightly and his skin was cold and sweaty. Yeah sure mom. He’s sick. He suffers from rare mushroom disease. My bro is so stupid. How can one do this voluntarily? Maybe he needs those trips. They say it was mind-expanding. I think it’s cheating. The feeling of heavy body is not hard to get with some practice and it’s also possible to fall asleep and stay awake at the same time and have lucid dreams and shit. Experimenting with this stuff for years. Maybe good, maybe that’s why I didn’t get a horrible trip yesterday. Already used to my abysses and everything down there. Used to not being afraid of it. Hm. Almost nothing scares me. It’s the same as always. Think further. So the trees grab you and stare at you with scary faces. Well, nice. And then? Will they eat you? Maybe that hurts but then you are dead. That won’t last too long. Or the scary thing under the bed or in the closet. In horror movies these monsters come out, everybody’s frightened and then the scene ends. But what then?? When you think further it gets ridiculous. You won’t be scared to death. I can’t unite two things in my mind: Violence and fear. It’s violence OR fear. But both isn’t possible. Violence is hard to understand but it just happens. Fear always very easily switches in amusement and absurdity. So splatter movies never scare me. They disgust me or excite me (not in that kind of way) but scary? No. When the long black haired girl starts eating you it won’t be scary anymore but hurt as hell and maybe u get angry. At least this is how I react to stuff like this. Fear lives from avoidance and when you think further and look closer almost nothing is scary at all.

I think people are scared often cause they think they are soooo important. No you aren’t. 4th Dimension won’t open up and spit out scary monsters, ghosts and demons just for you. Satan is busy and won’t get you. Same with God. I’m pretty sure there will not even be a serial killer crossing your way today. There could be cause as I said earlier there are people murdered and people with strange shit going on in their houses but changes it’s you are very very small and I think changes of meeting a scary monster are so damn pretty low that it’s almost a bit sad. I’d love meeting a werewolf or some shit like that but they won’t come to me only to eat me up alive.

Stephenie, what were you thinking?? Gah, hear me, man? Gah!